Well, therapy is going well. Who knew I had PTSD?! Well, I do. And I am in treatment for it. And it’s pointing out to me how much shit I have been through. I mean, a lot. I had to write out a time when there was a “trauma”. I could have picked any number of days in the last 16 years but I remembered one bad one. Plus, this weekend, I found journals from my first marriage and how I tried to deal with that situation. Well, it appears that I hate to be a quitter even when it’s the best thing for me. Even when I am being manipulated, abused, hurt, humiliated and beaten down. The beaten down was never physically, but it was emotional and verbal. Very painful.
I got rid of the journals. I got rid of the voice recordings of fights with Randy. Gone. I don’t have to hear his angry voice ever again. It’s actually a relief to be rid of them.
I can’t process yet how much I put up with. And I haven’t figured out exactly why I did either. But, the result of all of this is that I’m afraid. I don’t trust myself. I don’t know how to have a healthy adult relationship and that’s really sad. Plus, I don’t even know if I want one, but I don’t want to be alone forever either.
I have no where to go with all of this, so I’m putting it here.
Well, this was probably the quietest holiday weekend I’ve ever spent. I think I spoke aloud to a person half a dozen times. I had the dogs to talk to though….
Times really have changed. Used to be, I’d really want to be with my family and I couldn’t. Now, no one is there. They’re all busy and I’m just alone.
Luckily, Dawkins and Murphy helped fill the void a bit. Maybe I’ll see some family today- I hope so. I’m bored of my own company.
This time of my life is so confusing. I’m happy and sad… Content and unfulfilled…lonely and sad and happy to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. No idea what I want though. I suppose that’s the problem. So many years of running around, trying to be everywhere, wishing things were different…. And now they are different. So much so! But, I feel like my time to BE what I wanted before has passed and I don’t know who I am sometimes. Or who I want to be.
Ugh. I’m sure that makes very little sense. I guess I can’t explain it very well. I hope I can figure this out soon- time is short.
Well, if there’s one thing I know about myself that I haven’t been able to change in the last oh- 52 years or so is that I am NOT good at “new”. The past year has tested me over and over again with that particular thing. And, it continues. I am about to move in to a new place in a few days. It’s something that I’ve wanted and craved since coming back to my childhood bedroom about this time last year. But, now- I’m so apprehensive. I’m excited to be sure. I have all new stuff to move in, organizing to do, fitting all my things into new places….so that’s all good. I guess it’s just a new routine, a new situation that has me a little scared.
Before, I used to crave alone time in my house. Randy never left so I rarely had time alone. Now, although I’m looking forward to being in my own space, I wonder how I will handle being alone a lot? I do need it though- no question.
I am so mad at having to start a mortgage all over again. I just found my payoff from the other place. I paid for 16 years and now I have 100,000 more than was left on that mortgage for this place. It’s truly all his fault and it really hurts and angers me. So many unresolved feeling left from him. Everything I touch costs me in either money or emotion and it’s tied back to him. There’s nothing I can do and that impotence is what churns and won’t leave.
I really miss my old house today. I hope I feel connected to the new place fast. I don’t want to mourn my Main St house forever. So for today, I’ll let the tears fall and hope by Thursday- I’m ready for my new home, my new routine, my new alone life.
I feel so lost tonight. I miss my house so much. I miss my little bug. Too much changed this year and I feel so scattered. I looked at a few houses tonight- no go. Nothing is calling to me. I don’t know what I need in a home now. I’m drawn to wide open spaces, a nice yard and a big kitchen. I want all the things I ever wanted in a house this time, but it’s only me. I needed those things when the kids were little and growing up and I couldn’t afford them. Makes me so sad. My life just went haywire more than a few times and now time is getting shorter and shorter. I can’t seem to make myself happy either. Oh, I feel happiness. I feel joy. I feel and know that my life will be ok. But, I have such regret. I have such pain. I have such a longing for something but I don’t know what it is. I need something and I can’t idenitify it. All I know is- something is missing.
I guess part of it is closure. I need to be done with chapter 2 before I can move on. I hope that will be soon- at least legally. Emotionally and mentally, I don’t know how to get closure with this. It makes me almost physically sick to think about what happened between me and him; about how he is now; about how he treated me; about what is going to become of him. I can’t help feeling worried. This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t how I wanted things to go. I tried. I really did and I hit the wall. I wish I could explain it to him. I wish he could understand. But, that will never happen. I didn’t explain well enough before and I know he doesn’t understand. Now, he’s a shell of a person and it hurts.
I don’t know how to just stop thinking about him and us and how it was in good times. And I know, even the good times weren’t enough. There were so many bad times. A person shouldn’t feel how I was feeling for so long and be in a relationship. It wasn’t right. I know that. I will be happier in the long run on my own. I know that too. This time period though, it’s killing me.
There is no timeline for getting over someone. Whether or not it was my choice, it still hurts. I guess that’s what is so hard to explain and for people to understand. Yes, my marriage is over by my decision. Yes, he acted horribly. Yes, it was way past time to face the music and make the decision to let go. BUT….it’s still difficult. I still have memories. I still miss parts of my old life. I miss my house. I miss my dog. I even miss my husband sometimes. I just can’t help how I feel.
I have a lot of happy things in my life now. I have time to enjoy things and people that I didn’t before. This was the right thing to do for me to be able to savor the rest of my life. BUT….I’m in a holding pattern right now. I am in complete limbo and I don’t like it. This is very stressful.. And what makes it even more so, is that I seem to be letting down those closest to me by being sad. I can’t help it. I wish I could but there are times when I just am SAD, worried, anxious, angry….I want to be Miss Mary Sunshine. I guess people think I should be now that the monkey is off my back. BUT….it’s not really gone, Nothing is resolved legally. My feelings aren’t even resolved and I don’t know if or when they will be. How do you just erase a person that was in your life for 15 years? How do you just forget all of the time and experiences? Was it all bad? No. Was it good enough? No. Were there good times and love? Yes.
I’m sorry if that is disappointing. I try to play happy but I can’t all the time. And sometimes, I feel really happy. Monday morning driving to work, I felt like things would be OK. I felt hopeful and light. But, I just feel despondant and down today. Totally discouraged.
It’s hard right now. Some days are just- ugh. I have so much to be thankful for and I honestly AM grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I ,for sure, wouldn’t be able to get through this without them.
But, that doesn’t mean I’m not sad or troubled or hurting. It’s all there- comes in waves. You can’t spend 15/16 years with someone and just wipe it out and forget it. There were good times in there… Lots of bad times too but that doesn’t erase it all. Nothing is ever black and white.
So,….sorry for crying.
Sorry for not always being upbeat.
Sorry for worrying anyone.
Sorry that I can’t just say “I’m better off” everyday even though I am.
Sorry I have both love and hate in my heart for him.
This just totally sucks sometimes.
Nick and Amanda are married!! Two weeks ago, they joined together as one. It was probably the best reception I’ve ever been to…The entire day was wonderful. It was fun and emotional and it just flew by. They left on their honeymoon and I got the pleasure of staying with Dawkins for a week until they got back..It’s hard to believe it’s all over. All the preparation and build up for almost a year and the day just sailed by. However, it was truly a beautiful and moving ceremony. It was wonderful to see family and friends and celebrate this marriage which has been almost 12 years in the making. I could not be happier about their union. I didn’t lose a son, I gained a daughter.