I have so much to look forward to in the next few months. First wedding is less than a month away and the next is in three months. By September’s end, my “boys” will be married men. Hard to believe they are so grown up. (especially since just yesterday they were laughing with glee over some shortcut in a video game.) But, nevertheless, they are grown men with jobs, houses, bills and soon to be wives (and a very special puppy, HI Dawkins!)…and yet, sometimes I still see them as the 10 year olds that I loved. But, let me tell you…they have been a fountain of strength for me. They listen, empathize, hug and give great advice. Between them, the girls – who have been rocks for me, my niece and my two nephews….I am never at a loss for a shoulder to cry on. And I couldn’t do without my parents. I feel so badly they are having to go through this with me but ever so grateful to have them. My staunchest supporter is my sister of course-as always- we are there for each other through thick and thin. One day, I hope I can repay all this kindness.
So, as I have said many times, I need to count my blessings. Sometimes it’s harder than others to do that. Memories get in the way and cloud things up making it difficult to see the silver lining. Nothing is ever really black and white, I know that, but the shades of gray are more difficult on some days. Not sure if that makes sense but it’s how I feel.
I have more to say about lots of this stuff, but I need to think before I type.
Well, I have decided to dust off this old blog- why not? It’s as good a time as any to put my thoughts out into the ether.
Life has once again, taken an unexpected turn. It will be okay in the long run, and some days it is already okay…but it’s not what I envisioned. AGAIN. Honestly, my entire life has turned out very differently than I expected…Is that normal? Is that how most people have it? I don’t know. All I know is – lots of my dreams have gone unfulfilled. If it weren’t for my family and good friends- I can say at this moment- NOTHING is how I wanted it to be.
I am very lucky to have my health, my family, my job, my kids and their happy lives…don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t be more content and this change is making all those connections easier and better. But….to be in the midst once again, and at this age, of starting over is just…overwhelming, sad and disheartening. I’m trying to stay positive and keep moving forward but I still have this heavy weight around my neck and some days it feels like it’s going to drag me into the deep end.
I have a lot to look forward to but I also still have a lot to go through. Just feeling like “who am I? and what have I become?”
A white Christmas! It’s been a while since that has happened. It does make it seem more like Christmas day.
I have so much to be thankful for this year. My family is OK despite some health issues. I am gainfully employed. My 15 year old companion is still chugging along. I have a warm house and more than enough food to eat. A Christmas miracle of sorts is occurring- something I never thought would happen. I guess hearts soften and time heals.
I am still so sad for the Newtown families who are grieving today. How those Christmas presents will forever go unwrapped, how the magic of the Christmas season will never be the same. The world is a scary place sometimes. And as hard as my struggles seem at times, they will never be as difficult as what they are going through.
My heartfelt prayers go out to them and all in need today. Count your blessings, Lisa – that is what I tell myself and I really can’t count that high.
1. My family
2. My Peete
3. My job
4. Stretch pants
5. My iphone
6. Reruns of Friends
7. Baseball starts in 4 months
9. Hot tea
10. My Kindle
Disclaimer: This in not an all inclusive list.
Update: how I forgot chocolate and coffee- I’ll never know!
I suppose I should start by saying that I had two very strong grandmothers. They both had such loss in their young adult lives. One had her husband pass away in his thirties and she raised three children virtually on her own. The other lost a child, which as a mother, I can’t even fathom. They both survived. They both were excellent examples of how to live through extreme pain and end up happy.
My first role model was of course, my mom. She deserves a shiny star for always being there for us, cheering us on, finding all the good things about us…and she has never held back telling us the truth. She was (and is) a wonderful mom and grandmother. When I was a little more than two, she brought home a life-long, best friend for me…my sister.
My sister is and always will be my heart. She has always had sparkling eyes, enthusiasm for life and she keeps me in line. I look up to her and value her opinion above anyone else’s. She gave me the daughter I never had, my niece, Kelly. I’ve always been SO happy to be the mother of boys – they are truly the best things that have ever happened to me. But, being a part of Kelly’s life, watching her grow, sharing in all the girlie events (dress shopping!) has been priceless – Lar and Kelly never left me out.
We’ve been out numbered all these years in our family – the boys ruled. Well! That has changed due to two most special girls who have entered into our lives. Amanda and Melissa – my girls, my almost daughters-in-law, my friends. They have changed the dynamic in our family and I couldn’t be happier. Both strong, sweet girls who fit right in and make our family gatherings so much fun.
They’ve added an element to my life that I can only describe as: feeling complete. They’re so good at keeping me in the loop of their lives and including me to the point that I don’t have to envy mother/daughter teams anymore! I’m grateful that they feel comfortable with me and I love them dearly.
The women in my life are so important, so essential to me – I can’t imagine life without them. Thank you, ladies.
No, I am not ready for the holiday season. Not even close. At this point in my life, I’d like time to stretch out a bit and I’ve stopping wishing for time to pass.
This holiday season I will tie jingle bells to my shoelaces and participate in the Jingle Bell Run/Walk® for Arthritis, a 5K fun run/walk to benefit the Arthritis Foundation.
That’s something I copied from my personal fundraising page located here: https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1023383&supId=369365026
This is a cause near and dear to my heart. I can’t possibly explain any better than my sister did on her page, so please go there and read. Our family has battled with various types of Arthritis for many years and while it’s a common enough disease, it’s so debilitating and difficult.
While I expect to be cold and I HATE the cold, I will be jingling along with family and friends that day hoping to see many other walkers/runners out there raising money for Arthritis.
It’s been a couple weeks since I started my new job. It’s so good to be learning something new. I think I’m going to really enjoy it. There are quite a few positives: it’s close, it’s casual dress, people are nice, it’s busy, eventually I can work from home one day a week…and the work itself is interesting. I look forward to learning more and moving into other areas of claims.
Downside….my brain is tired. There is so much “new ” that I am exhausted. I need to get back to walking – I really think the exercise will help. Maybe I’ll give the C25K a try like Zack suggested- don’t hold me to it, I’m not sure yet. And if my Peete would sleep through the night, well, that would be a huge bonus. And I’m achy; knees, shoulder…just beat. But, not a bad beat like I’m depressed, just honest to goodness tired.
It’s been a rough couple weeks for my baby sister but things are looking up. Unfortunately, we lost one of our pooches two weeks ago. Daisy was my sister’s companion and was so sick. It was time, but that’s always so hard. All the dogs, especially Marlee, have shown signs of noticing that she’s gone.
On a positive note, Lar is finally free and back to her real name. It took a while and divorce is never really a cause for celebration, but in this case, it’s good to put that past behind her and look forward to a bright future. She’s always been such a shining star and now she can really let the world see her inside and outside beauty.
Now about my Phillies….What a sucky season! But!!!!! The last few weeks have been much better baseball to watch. And even if they don’t make the long shot that is the post season, at least they have improved, are hitting and making less errors, have brought up some decent talent and most of all…Chooch is back!
It’s the little things.:)