Well, therapy is going well. Who knew I had PTSD?! Well, I do. And I am in treatment for it. And it’s pointing out to me how much shit I have been through. I mean, a lot. I had to write out a time when there was a “trauma”. I could have picked any number of days in the last 16 years but I remembered one bad one. Plus, this weekend, I found journals from my first marriage and how I tried to deal with that situation. Well, it appears that I hate to be a quitter even when it’s the best thing for me. Even when I am being manipulated, abused, hurt, humiliated and beaten down. The beaten down was never physically, but it was emotional and verbal. Very painful.
I got rid of the journals. I got rid of the voice recordings of fights with Randy. Gone. I don’t have to hear his angry voice ever again. It’s actually a relief to be rid of them.
I can’t process yet how much I put up with. And I haven’t figured out exactly why I did either. But, the result of all of this is that I’m afraid. I don’t trust myself. I don’t know how to have a healthy adult relationship and that’s really sad. Plus, I don’t even know if I want one, but I don’t want to be alone forever either.
I have no where to go with all of this, so I’m putting it here.