Well, if there’s one thing I know about myself that I haven’t been able to change in the last oh- 52 years or so is that I am NOT good at “new”. The past year has tested me over and over again with that particular thing. And, it continues. I am about to move in to a new place in a few days. It’s something that I’ve wanted and craved since coming back to my childhood bedroom about this time last year. But, now- I’m so apprehensive. I’m excited to be sure. I have all new stuff to move in, organizing to do, fitting all my things into new places….so that’s all good. I guess it’s just a new routine, a new situation that has me a little scared.
Before, I used to crave alone time in my house. Randy never left so I rarely had time alone. Now, although I’m looking forward to being in my own space, I wonder how I will handle being alone a lot? I do need it though- no question.
I am so mad at having to start a mortgage all over again. I just found my payoff from the other place. I paid for 16 years and now I have 100,000 more than was left on that mortgage for this place. It’s truly all his fault and it really hurts and angers me. So many unresolved feeling left from him. Everything I touch costs me in either money or emotion and it’s tied back to him. There’s nothing I can do and that impotence is what churns and won’t leave.
I really miss my old house today. I hope I feel connected to the new place fast. I don’t want to mourn my Main St house forever. So for today, I’ll let the tears fall and hope by Thursday- I’m ready for my new home, my new routine, my new alone life.