Today

Well, therapy is going well. Who knew I had PTSD?! Well, I do. And I am in treatment for it. And it’s pointing out to me how much shit I have been through. I mean, a lot. I had to write out a time when there was a “trauma”. I could have picked any number of days in the last 16 years but I remembered one bad one. Plus, this weekend, I found journals from my first marriage and how I tried to deal with that situation. Well, it appears that I hate to be a quitter even when it’s the best thing for me. Even when I am being manipulated, abused, hurt, humiliated and beaten down. The beaten down was never physically, but it was emotional and verbal. Very painful.

I got rid of the journals. I got rid of the voice recordings of fights with Randy. Gone. I don’t have to hear his angry voice ever again. It’s actually a relief to be rid of them.

I can’t process yet how much I put up with. And I haven’t figured out exactly why I did either. But, the result of all of this is that I’m afraid. I don’t trust myself. I don’t know how to have a healthy adult relationship and that’s really sad. Plus, I don’t even know if I want one, but I don’t want to be alone forever either.

I have no where to go with all of this, so I’m putting it here.

holiday?

Well, this was probably the quietest holiday weekend I’ve ever spent. I think I spoke aloud to a person half a dozen times. I had the dogs to talk to though….

Times really have changed. Used to be, I’d really want to be with my family and I couldn’t. Now, no one is there. They’re all busy and I’m just alone.

Luckily, Dawkins and Murphy helped fill the void a bit. Maybe I’ll see some family today- I hope so. I’m bored of my own company.

This time of my life is so confusing. I’m happy and sad… Content and unfulfilled…lonely and sad and happy to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. No idea what I want though. I suppose that’s the problem. So many years of running around, trying to be everywhere, wishing things were different…. And now they are different. So much so! But, I feel like my time to BE what I wanted before has passed and I don’t know who I am sometimes. Or who I want to be.

Ugh. I’m sure that makes very little sense. I guess I can’t explain it very well. I hope I can figure this out soon- time is short. 

New beginnings

Well, if there’s one thing I know about myself that I haven’t been able to change in the last oh- 52 years or so  is that I am NOT good at “new”. The past year has tested me over and over again with that particular thing. And, it continues. I am about to move in to a new place in a few days. It’s something that I’ve wanted and craved since coming back to my childhood bedroom about this time last year. But, now- I’m so apprehensive. I’m excited to be sure. I have all new stuff to move in, organizing to do, fitting all my things into new places….so that’s all good. I guess it’s just a new routine, a new situation that has me a little scared.

Before, I used to crave alone time in my house. Randy never left so I rarely had time alone. Now, although I’m looking forward to being in my own space, I wonder how I will handle being alone a lot? I do need it though- no question.

I am so mad at having to start a mortgage all over again. I just found my payoff from the other place. I paid for 16 years and now I have 100,000 more than was left on that mortgage for this place. It’s truly all his fault and it really hurts and angers me. So many unresolved feeling left from him. Everything I touch costs me in either money or emotion and it’s tied back to him. There’s nothing I can do and that impotence is what churns and won’t leave.

I really miss my old house today. I hope I feel connected to the new place fast. I don’t want to mourn my Main St house forever. So for today, I’ll let the tears fall and hope by Thursday- I’m ready for my new home, my new routine, my new alone life.

 

Time

There is no timeline for getting over someone. Whether or not it was my choice, it still hurts. I guess that’s what is so hard to explain and for people to understand.  Yes, my marriage is over by my decision. Yes, he acted horribly. Yes, it was way past time to face the music and make the decision to let go. BUT….it’s still difficult. I still have memories. I still miss parts of my old life. I miss my house. I miss my dog. I even miss my husband sometimes. I just can’t help how I feel.

I have a lot of happy things in my life now. I have time to enjoy things and people that I didn’t before. This was the right thing to do for me to be able to savor the rest of my life. BUT….I’m in a holding pattern right now. I am in complete limbo and I don’t like it. This is very stressful.. And what makes it even more so, is that I seem to be letting down those closest to me by being sad. I can’t help it. I wish I could but there are times when I just am SAD, worried, anxious, angry….I want to be Miss Mary Sunshine. I guess people think I should be now that the monkey is off my back. BUT….it’s not really gone, Nothing is resolved legally. My feelings aren’t even resolved and I don’t know if or when they will be. How do you just erase a person that was in your life for 15 years? How do you just forget all of the time and experiences? Was it all bad? No. Was it good enough? No. Were there good times and love? Yes.

I’m sorry if that is disappointing. I try to play happy but I can’t all the time. And sometimes, I feel really happy. Monday morning driving to work, I felt like things would be OK. I felt hopeful and light. But, I just feel despondant and down today. Totally discouraged.

Oh dear

It’s hard right now. Some days are just- ugh. I have so much to be thankful for and I honestly AM grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I ,for sure, wouldn’t be able to get through this without them.

But, that doesn’t mean I’m not sad or troubled or hurting. It’s all there- comes in waves. You can’t spend 15/16 years with someone and just wipe it out and forget it. There were good times in there… Lots of bad times too but that doesn’t erase it all. Nothing is ever black and white.

So,….sorry for crying. 

Sorry for not always being upbeat. 

Sorry for worrying anyone.

Sorry that I can’t just say “I’m better off” everyday even though I am.

Sorry I have both love and hate in my heart for him.

This just totally sucks sometimes.

One wedding done!

Nick and Amanda are married!! Two weeks ago, they joined together as one. It was probably the best reception I’ve ever been to…The entire day was wonderful. It was fun and emotional and it just flew by. They left on their honeymoon and I got the pleasure of staying with Dawkins for a week until they got back..It’s hard to believe it’s all over. All the preparation and build up for almost a year and the day just sailed by. However, it was truly a beautiful and moving ceremony. It was wonderful to see family and friends and celebrate this marriage which has been almost 12 years in the making. I could not be happier about their union. I didn’t lose a son, I gained a daughter.

Some more thoughts

I have so much to look forward to in the next few months. First wedding is less than a month away and the next is in three months. By September’s end, my “boys” will be married men. Hard to believe they are so grown up. (especially since just yesterday they were laughing with glee over some shortcut in a video game.) But, nevertheless, they are grown men with jobs, houses, bills and soon to be wives (and a very special puppy, HI Dawkins!)…and yet, sometimes I still see them as the 10 year olds that I loved. But, let me tell you…they have been a fountain of strength for me.  They listen, empathize, hug and give great advice. Between them, the girls – who have been rocks for me, my niece and my two nephews….I am never at a loss for a shoulder to cry on. And I couldn’t do without my parents. I feel so badly they are having to go through this with me but ever so grateful to have them. My staunchest supporter is my sister of course-as always- we are there for each other through thick and thin. One day, I hope I can repay all this kindness.

So, as I have said many times, I need to count my blessings. Sometimes it’s harder than others to do that. Memories get in the way and cloud things up making it difficult to see the silver lining. Nothing is ever really black and white, I know that, but the shades of gray are more difficult on some days. Not sure if that makes sense but it’s how I feel.

I have more to say about lots of this stuff, but I need to think before I type.

Back again

Well, I have decided to dust off this old blog- why not? It’s as good a time as any to put my thoughts out into the ether.

Life has once again, taken an unexpected turn. It will be okay in the long run, and some days it is already okay…but it’s not what I envisioned. AGAIN. Honestly, my entire life has turned out very differently than I expected…Is that normal? Is that how most people have it? I don’t know. All I know is – lots of my dreams have gone unfulfilled. If it weren’t for my family and good friends- I can say at this moment- NOTHING is how I wanted it to be.

I am very lucky to have my health, my family, my job,  my kids and their happy lives…don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t be more content and this change is making all those connections easier and better. But….to be in the midst once again, and at this age, of starting over is just…overwhelming, sad and disheartening. I’m trying to stay positive and keep moving forward but I still have this heavy weight around my neck and some days it feels like it’s going to drag me into the deep end.

I have a lot to look forward to but I also still have a lot to go through. Just feeling like “who am I? and what have I become?”

Merry Christmas

A white Christmas! It’s been a while since that has happened. It does make it seem more like Christmas day.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. My family is OK despite some health issues. I am gainfully employed. My 15 year old companion is still chugging along. I have a warm house and more than enough food to eat. A Christmas miracle of sorts is occurring- something I never thought would happen. I guess hearts soften and time heals.

I am still so sad for the Newtown families who are grieving today. How those Christmas presents will forever go unwrapped, how the magic of the Christmas season will never be the same. The world is a scary place sometimes. And as hard as my struggles seem at times, they will never be as difficult as what they are going through.

My heartfelt prayers go out to them and all in need today.  Count your blessings, Lisa – that is what I tell myself and I really can’t count that high.

Merry Christmas.

 

Things I’m thankful for

1. My family

2. My Peete

3. My job

4. Stretch pants

5. My iphone

6. Reruns of Friends

7. Baseball starts in 4 months

8. Bacon

9. Hot tea

10. My Kindle

;

Disclaimer: This in not an all inclusive list.

Update: how I forgot chocolate and coffee- I’ll never know!